


Ron Weasley's Adventures with Sleekeazy's Hair Potion

by FlyingLuna



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Convenient character death (sort of), Crack, Gen, Parody, RMS Titanic, Ron Weasley has Regrets, Ron Weasley is Albus Dumbledore, Ron Weasley screws up yet again, Sleekeazy's Hair Potion, Suspension Of Disbelief, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 15:31:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14718773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlyingLuna/pseuds/FlyingLuna
Summary: Sleekeazy's Hair Potion warns on its label that it can produce "unique results" for redheads.  Of course, Ron Weasley couldn't be bothered to read labels, and Sleekeazy's Hair Potion quickly becomes his go-to fix for a bad hair day.  When the side effects of the potion catch up to him, Ron decides there is only one thing he can do to fix it: he has to go back in time.  A broken time turner throws a wrench into Ron's plans, and he finds himself stuck in 1912.  And what's this about the Titanic?





	Ron Weasley's Adventures with Sleekeazy's Hair Potion

**Author's Note:**

> I was given the prompt "Sleekeazy's Hair Potion is said to have unique results for gingers. What do you think happened the first time Ron attempted to slick back his hair?" My imagination ran a bit wild.

Ronald Weasley was frustrated.  _Very_ frustrated.  His hair?  A mess.  His patience?  Thinner than a piece of spellotape.  His time?  Gone.

The Yule ball was starting in less than an hour, and his shaggy red hair – _why_ hadn’t he let his mother cut it, again? – wasn’t behaving in the slightest.  His loud complaints eventually reached the ears of Seamus Finnegan, whose glorious hair was looking windswept but perfect.

“How is your hair so great?” Ron grumbled.

“Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion, mate.  You think my hair is naturally this great?”  Seamus picked up a small metal tin, tossing it across the room to Ron.  “Try it, mate.  It’ll fix your hair right up.”

Ron, of course, was ecstatic at the solution to his problems.  Desperate to impress Hermione, he opened the tin without a second thought and spread the thick potion through his hair.  Within a minute, his hair was tamed – instead of the rat’s nest that had been attached to his scalp, he had long, flowing red locks.

Hermione was sure to appreciate it.

He was wrong, of course.  Ronald Weasley had royally screwed up, but what was new?  At least his hair looked nice.

The next time Ron had gone to Hogsmeade, he used the rest of his pocket money to purchase his own tin of Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion – Seamus swore by it, after all, and Ron had seen its effects first hand.  He never had an issue with unruly hair again, and by sixth year, he had perfected that windswept, just-got-shagged look.  Lavender Brown particularly liked it, and Hermione had certainly commented once or twice on his magnificent hair.

That all soon changed.  By age 30, Ron had many regrets.  Not betting on Ireland in the 1994 Quidditch World Cup.  Not asking Hermione out sooner.  Walking out on Harry and Hermione during their extended camping trip (if it could even be called that).

Most of all, though, Ron regretted ever opening that tin of Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion.  Well, at the very least, he regretted using it without reading the full orange label on the tin.

**_Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion: For when your gorgeous hair isn’t there and you don’t have time to care!_ **

**_Side effects may include vitamin D deficiency.  Use on red hair can produce unique results, with additional side effects such as premature graying and excessive hair growth.  Consult your healer if symptoms occur and discontinue use of Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion immediately._ **

**_Available at your local retailer in 100 mL and 250 mL tins._ **

His hair had been growing quickly for years, and he was developing quite the majestic beard.  The hair growth?  He was okay with that.  The headaches he was getting?  The back pain?  Once he had seen a healer and discovered that he was vitamin D deficient, he was fine with that.  Nothing a potion couldn’t fix, after all!

The _graying hair_?  Hell no, Ronald Weasley was _not_ okay with that.

Ron wasn’t even sure if he could call it _graying_.  It was _white!_   He had hair and a long beard that were as white as Dumbledore’s!  He looked ancient, and he was barely 30!

It was bloody ridiculous.  There Hermione was, his wife with her glorious hair, looking not a day over 23.  Ron?  He looked 60, and honestly, people were starting to give him _very_ strange looks when they were out together.

Quite frankly, he’d had enough.  Ron knew what he needed to do.  He had to stop himself from ever using that bloody potion in the first place.  After all, the Yule ball had been a disaster; would it really have been that much worse to experience the disaster with terrible hair?

Ronald Weasley needed to go back in time.

The Department of Mysteries had started working on a new time turner specifically for travel further than just a few hours into the past, and Ron needed to go back 16 years.  He was determined.  Getting a time turner was a surprisingly easy feat – after all, he was a highly respected Auror.  He fabricated an order from the Head Auror for a time turner, using the special form just for top-secret missions.  While the Ministry worker gave Ron a bit of a dubious look, he did not ask questions and handed over the time turner with the standard “Results may vary.  Use at your own discretion.  Please report all activities when you return the instrument so that we may improve our devices for future use.”  Ron nodded quickly, greedily accepting the gleaming time turner.

He would come up with a believable excuse later.

Eagerly flipping the hourglass end over end, he counted out 16 turns before letting the magic do its job.

He found himself between two buildings in Diagon Alley.  Ron took a step out into the bright afternoon sunlight, trying to get his bearings.  Diagon Alley looked…different.  He didn’t recall it looking this different all those years ago, but he had been a teenager in 1994.  Really, his priorities were brooms and girls, and he didn’t have the attention to devote to minute details.  Ron noticed that people were dressed funny, even for wizards, but maybe fashions had just changed more than he realized.

Now he just needed to find out the date and locate his younger self.

“Oh, Albus!  I’m so glad to see you.  I thought you were on that ship.  Such a _dreadful_ occurrence.”

“Ship?” Ron asked.

“Can’t believe it – simply _awful_!” another witch chimed in.  “Such a beautiful ship, but really, they were testing fate.  Touting it as _unsinkable_!  They were really asking for something bad to happen.”

 _The Titanic_ , Ron realized.  But…Albus?

“Of course I wasn’t on the ship,” Ron replied quickly.  “Why would I have been?”

“Well, I heard you were going to MACUSA – their invitation was quite public, Albus.  Everyone heard about it.  Albus Dumbledore, our very own Hogwart’s professor, going to MACUSA – it’s all we could talk about,” the first witch said.

“Ah – that.  Yes.  Well, er, you see,” Ron fumbled, trying to come up with a logical explanation.  They thought he was _Albus Dumbledore_?  “My brother – very sick.  Couldn’t leave him.  Such an unfortunate thing, the ship,” Ron finished, hoping that Aberforth was somewhere that his lie wouldn’t be overly obvious.

“Quite lucky of you, really,” the second witch said.  “Not that we would _wish_ for your brother to be sick, of course, but we’d rather him sick than you dead!”

“Yes, of course,” Ron agreed easily.  “I, uh, I must be going then.  My brother, you see.”

“Of course, Albus.  You go take care of him.  We’re so glad you’re safe,” the first witch said.

As the women walked off, he heard them talking about “Such a tragedy!” and “Those poor souls!  Even the Muggles – they don’t deserve that kind of ending.”

Why was this such a big deal, though?

“Special edition, read all about it!  Get your Daily Prophet here!  Unsinkable ship does the impossible!  Crew has titanic failure in navigation!  Titanic sinks!” the paperboy was bellowing on the street corner.

Ron moved closer to investigate.  He peered closely at the stack of Daily Prophets next to the boy, noticing the date: April 15, 1912.

“Daily Prophet – one knut,” the boy said bluntly.

“I’m not buying one,” Ron responded, perhaps a little more harshly than he meant to.

“Then move along!  I’ve got paying customers, and you’re in the way!”  Ron quickly nodded and scurried towards a side alley, doing his best to not draw unnecessary attention to himself.

It seemed that he had succeeded in going back in time…just a bit too far.  A _lot_ too far.  He had only been aiming for 1994 – here he was in 1912!  It was no problem, though.  These time turners worked both ways.  He could simply go _forward_ to 1994.  He’d be fine.

Ron reached into his pocket, withdrawing the metal time turner.  He held it up, staring intently at the little hourglass.  He gave it a turn, only to find that the sand in the hourglass turned black.  His stomach dropped.  That was _not_ a good sign. 

 _It’s okay.  No problem,_ Ron thought to himself.  _Maybe it’s just a new feature.  It’ll work this time.  It_ will _.  It must._

Giving it another spin, Ron found that the time turner wasn’t as optimistic as he was.  The sand started to melt, turning into an inky black goo.  It slowly oozed into the bottom half of the hourglass, leaving a gray residue where it had been suspended.  A second turn had the liquid solidifying into a goopy mass that wouldn’t even pass through the middle of the two glass lobes.  A desperate third turn had the entire hourglass shattering.

Ron had never regretted anything as much as his most recent hair-brained scheme.  He was well and truly stuck in the past – and not even the past he had been trying to get to!  He wasn’t even born.  Hell, his _parents_ weren’t even born yet!

Ronald Weasley had not thought this through.

What was he to do?  He knew nobody in the past.  The only person who might be able to help him was _dead_ – Albus Dumbledore, drown to the depths of the ocean on the bloody Titanic.

And he couldn’t exactly _ask_ where he could find Albus Dumbledore, anyways, since everyone thought he _was_ Albus Dumbledore!

Ron stared at the remains of the time turner in his hands.  He had no way home, and he had no resources here.

Unless he _acquired_ those resources.

Making a split-second decision, Ron apparated to Hogsmeade.  He needed to get into Albus Dumbledore’s quarters at Hogwarts, and he knew exactly who could help him: Aberforth.

The Hog’s Head looked just as…well, it certainly had its own unique charm, didn’t it?  A young Aberforth was tending the bar, pouring butterbeers for a few younger guests.

Aberforth looked up, his face looking more drawn than usual.  When he saw who had entered his pub, his blue eyes went wide.  “Albus!” he exclaimed.

“Aberforth,” Ron greeted.

“You…but I thought…you were on that bloody ship, weren’t you?  They said the apparation distance was too far to any landmass.  You…but…”

“Ah, but you should never underestimate your brother, now should you?” Ron said mischievously, his eyes unknowingly twinkling just as he had often seen Dumbledore’s do.

“I…yes.  I am so glad to see you, brother.”

“I need your help,” Ron told him.

“Anything, Albus!”

“I seem to have lost my wand getting off that bloody boat.  I can’t get back to my quarters at Hogwarts, either.”

“Well, that’s no problem – I’ll take you down to Ollivander’s.  He can find you a new wand, and then we’ll get you back to Hogwarts.”

After another trip to Diagon Alley, Ron had procured a wand and was on his way to Hogwarts.  Surprisingly, Aberforth didn’t suspect a thing.

 _Well, Albus_ was _a strange man.  This is probably just another day in the Dumbledore family_ , Ron reasoned.  Either way, Ron wasn’t about to question it.  He had a wand now.  He had resources – galleons, a place to live, a job.  He was fine for the time being.

For many years, Ron tried fruitlessly to return to the future.  At first, he was desperate to get to 1994 to fix his hair, but later, he tried to get to _any_ time in the future.  He wanted to go back to 2010 and report to those damn Ministry workers that their time turners were _bloody pieces of shit_.  He didn’t care if he looked like an old geezer; he just wanted his Hermione back and his beautiful little children.

After 50 years, it was obvious that he would never get home.

Although sad, he embraced his life.  He knew that he couldn’t change the future, as much as he wanted to, but his knowledge of the future helped to develop that quirky Albus Dumbledore personality that he knew as a child.  And then, many years later, he grew bored with his work.  While he loved playing the character of Albus Dumbledore, he felt that his work wasn’t being rewarded enough.

He took a sponsorship deal.  His voice was frequently heard on the Wizarding Wireless Network between programs.  It provided him with some extra Galleons, and really, the work was quite simple.  The recording only took a few minutes to do:

_“Is your hair unruly?  Are you trying to impress your date?  Does the ghoul in your attic look more like a man than you do?  Then you need Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion: for when your gorgeous hair isn’t there and you don’t have time to care!  Side effects may include vitamin D deficiency.  Use on red hair can produce unique results, with additional side effects such as premature graying and excessive hair growth.  Consult your healer if symptoms occur and discontinue use of Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion immediately.  Available wherever cosmetic potions are sold in 100 mL and 250 mL tins.”_


End file.
